Dazzling Darkness by Rachel Mann is a book I’ve been meaning to read for ages. We heard Rachel speak at last years Greenbelt and I wanted to hear more.
I had to read this book twice before I could write about it. Not because I didn’t get it, but because it is so powerful.
At its heart Dazzling Darkness is a journey into honest self-discovery and perhaps more importantly, learning to live with that self. It is a story of the dark places, of longing for wholeness of all kinds, and finding the hope within them. It is a struggle to find language to express what needs to be said. This is a book about the Living God, very much present in the darkness, but not always how we imagine it.
I found this a powerful, honest and gritty book. It pulls no punches about the difficulties the author faced and continues to face, which is important. So often we only hear ‘nice’ stories about faith, we need to hear more real ones. Rachel Mann manages to bring hope and reality without saccharine sweet answers. I found chapter 9 the most power thing I have read on the suffering of chronic illness – and I have read, and written, a lot! As someone for whom chronic illness has robbed me of much, it made a different kind of sense to me than that which is usually offered.
It is a painful book, a book of struggle, very much grounded in the reality of life. We may think our story is nothing like this one, but pain and struggle are all around us; if not currently in our own life, in the lives of those in our community every day. It also might make you look at God in a different, helpful way. You may not ‘get’ it all, I’m not sure I did, but it is very worth the challenge.
I don’t think I have ever read a book quite like it, and I will fail to do it justice by saying any more than saying just read it.
13 It was before Passover, and Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and to return to the Father. He had always loved his followers in this world, and he loved them to the very end.
2 Even before the evening meal started, the devil had made Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, decide to betray Jesus.
3 Jesus knew that he had come from God and would go back to God. He also knew that the Father had given him complete power. 4 So during the meal Jesus got up, removed his outer garment, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 He put some water into a large bowl. Then he began washing his disciples’ feet and drying them with the towel he was wearing.
6 But when he came to Simon Peter, that disciple asked, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
7 Jesus answered, “You don’t really know what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
8 “You will never wash my feet!” Peter replied.
“If I don’t wash you,” Jesus told him, “you don’t really belong to me.”
9 Peter said, “Lord, don’t wash just my feet. Wash my hands and my head.”
10 Jesus answered, “People who have bathed and are clean all over need to wash just their feet. And you, my disciples, are clean, except for one of you.” 11 Jesus knew who would betray him. That is why he said, “except for one of you.”
12 After Jesus had washed his disciples’ feet and had put his outer garment back on, he sat down again. Then he said:
Do you understand what I have done? 13 You call me your teacher and Lord, and you should, because that is who I am.14 And if your Lord and teacher has washed your feet, you should do the same for each other. 15 I have set the example, and you should do for each other exactly what I have done for you. 16 I tell you for certain that servants are not greater than their master, and messengers are not greater than the one who sent them. 17 You know these things, and God will bless you, if you do them.
The New Command
31 After Judas had gone, Jesus said:
Now the Son of Man will be given glory, and he will bring glory to God. 32 Then, after God is given glory because of him, God will bring glory to him, and God will do it very soon.
33 My children, I will be with you for a little while longer. Then you will look for me, but you won’t find me. I tell you just as I told the people, “You cannot go where I am going.”34 But I am giving you a new command. You must love each other, just as I have loved you. 35 If you love each other, everyone will know that you are my disciples.
A bowl
and a towel,
what is he doing?
That is the servants job.
A bowl
and a towel,
kneeling at our feet,
washing gently,
softly.
A bowl
and a towel,
removing the dirt,
ingrained from the journey;
the dust,
kicked up around us;
soothing,
cleansing.
A bowl
and a towel,
drying,
softly,
wiping the drops of water
in the same way
one would dry tears.
Gently,
dabbing,
comforting,
loving.
A bowl
and a towel,
restoring my feet
from the journey so far,
preparing them
for the journey to come.
A bowl
and a towel.
He ministers to me.
He doesn’t wait
for someone else to do it,
he doesn’t need me
to care for myself.
He kneels
and pours out his love for me.
A bowl
and a towel.
I thought I didn’t need it,
need him to do that
for me.
But I did.
I needed
his love,
his touch,
his care of me.
And he needed to do it.
A bowl
and a towel,
such love
poured in that bowl,
gently swabbing my aching body.
He did that for me.
A bowl
and a towel,
a symbol of how I should live,
in humility,
sacrifice,
service.
A life of giving,
doing,
soothing
and gently drying.
A bowl
and a towel,
Lord,
as I allow you to minister to me,
may I in turn
minister to others,
in your love,
through your life,
poured out
for each one of us.
21 After Jesus had said these things, he was deeply troubled and told his disciples, “I tell you for certain that one of you will betray me.” 22 They were confused about what he meant. And they just stared at each other.
23 Jesus’ favorite disciple was sitting next to him at the meal,24 and Simon motioned for that disciple to find out which one Jesus meant. 25 So the disciple leaned toward Jesus and asked, “Lord, which one of us are you talking about?”
26 Jesus answered, “I will dip this piece of bread in the sauce and give it to the one I was talking about.”
Then Jesus dipped the bread and gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot.[a]27 Right then Satan took control of Judas.
Jesus said, “Judas, go quickly and do what you have to do.”28 No one at the meal understood what Jesus meant. 29 But because Judas was in charge of the money, some of them thought that Jesus had told him to buy something they needed for the festival. Others thought that Jesus had told him to give some money to the poor. 30 Judas took the piece of bread and went out.
It was already night.
The New Command
31 After Judas had gone, Jesus said:
Now the Son of Man will be given glory, and he will bring glory to God. 32 Then, after God is given glory because of him, God will bring glory to him, and God will do it very soon.
I know what is going to happen,
what you will do,
how you will respond
and yet I hope.
One of you,
one who I have lived so closely with,
shown God’s love,
his ways,
will betray me.
I had such hope.
I had hoped
that you would see God,
see his way of doing things,
want to be part of it,
part of him.
Yet you are about to choose otherwise.
For you know
it is you I am speaking of,
you who will go,
break faith,
be a part of my death.
I loved.
And you chose to walk away.
Away from all God is
and asks,
away
to those who want their own ways.
I hope.
You walk.
I love.
You betray.
I pour out my life
because,
because you betray me,
because I love you,
because I lam hope.
Pam's Perambulation 